Local Primary School is Number One

ST JESUS’ Primary School for God has been named best in the county. St Jesus’, which is a private school, implements a controversial policy whereby any student deemed to be unfit can be asked to leave despite their parents paying a lump sum at the start of each school year.

St Jesus’ headteacher, Alderley Stewart-Hyde defended the policy. “It’s clear from the results in this report that our approach is paying dividends. It means that every single one of our students is performing to the required standard. Consequently we have outshone other schools in the area drastically.”

Trevor Baines a Year 5 pupil at the school said: “It’s pretty miserable having to work the whole time, but we’ll appreciate it when we’re heading up vast global corporations and the like.

“I miss my friend Charles sometimes, but he only took part in seven or eight extra-curricular activities a week, so he was asked to leave. My mum says I’m better off without him because he’ll only end up becoming a miner or a wino.”

Parents interested in sending their children to St Jesus’ Primary School for God should contact the head attaching a CV and bank statement.